Christmas use to be my favourite time of year, the excitement on christmas eve, staying up as late as you can, being good. Looking at the presents under the tree, the joy when your grandparents and others join. Opening presents and getting ready for a big feast. The festive jolly feeling that fills you within..

Now its another season i dread. The ‘excitement’ you get on christmas eve, has become anxiety, the staying up late became crying all night, the being good makes no difference. Barely any presents under the tree, Some family members have gone and you have a hole in your heart that gets bigger every day. The dread of opening presents and feeling like you don’t deserve it. The loss of pleasure because you know you won’t get what you want. The stress and anxiety of the food. Its the main thing i’m already freaking out about.

Christmas day you all get dressed up, for some its easy, for me, its hell. I change outfits at least 4 times on a regular day, imagine how many i would change on christmas day. Thing is no matter how many outfits i put on, i still see my flaws, i still feel disgusting. This year, i feel like i’m going to hit breaking point. I know i’ve gained, i know theres more meat on me. I hate it.

It just amazes me how you can go from loving something to dreading it. Happiness and joy to Stress anxiety and floods of tears.