my looks

I need to talk, so here;

The main thing I’ve been going through is an eating disorder, and my is it hard and confusing. I don’t feel like I have one or that I deserved help. I worked so hard to lose weight and achieve something. I’ve never felt like I’ve achieved anything in my life except for being a loser. I’ve never been a fan of my appearance, I guess when you’re young you really don’t care. But I do, I don’t know why its such a big deal to me. I’ve been stable; regularly eating, going to my appointments, not losing any weight. So I was discharged, I wrote this on fb and people were saying ‘well done’, ‘proud of you’, but me, I’m not proud of this or feel it deserves praising. I hate my looks, I feel like a fat ugly ogre. I am a fat ugly failure. I’ve got a gym membership starting tomorrow, and all I want to do is go and live there. But theres a new part of me, which says go be a fatty, keep eating and eating and I hate it more than my ED. That’s not right is it? I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to gain weight. I just want to lose and be pretty? I can never win 😥

 

how do i cope

Not necessarily coping, but I continue, I take it day by day. I support those I love and care for. I’ll go through hell and back with them, I’d take a bullet for them. Because that’s the way I am, no matter how much pain im in, i’ll never not go through it all again for those I love. When it happened to me I was alone, but now I have someone, I will never let anyone go through it alone. Take it day by day, comfort them anytime they need, give them my strength and anything they want.

Loss

Losing someone to death is one of life’s horrible experiences. Its something you never want to happen, but does. There is no time limit on how long grief lasts. For me, I lost someone 3 years ago and 8 months ago today, yet it still hurts. I’ll never be 100% again, and I know that because the person I lost, was my bestfriend, my guardian angel, I have so many  memories with this person and i’ll never want to have someone to fill the hole I lost when he died.

Sure when it happens, you’re not sure how to feel at first, then you could feel guilt or so many possible things. But eventually you’ll let yourself cry. And that’s good. Then you’ve just got to keep your head up, breathe and carry on. They’re always with you, just in your heart.

Arbonne Independent Consultant

Hi i’m Yazzi May and i’ve always had a passion for beauty and health. I joined arbonne as i feel it’ll give me a fulfilling future, selling safe products to those in need and trying them myself.

Arbonne combines superior, botanically based products with a generous compensation plan, exceptional support, training and committed leadership to create the perfect window of opportunity for you. With Arbonne, life is full of awesome opportunity — to earn a living, enjoy a flexible schedule, to transform your life and the lives of others. Imagine the possibilities! Discover how fulfilling life can be as an Arbonne Independent Consultant. Contact me to learn more.

Email- yazz-may-randle@hotmail.com

I’m dreading christmas

Christmas use to be my favourite time of year, the excitement on christmas eve, staying up as late as you can, being good. Looking at the presents under the tree, the joy when your grandparents and others join. Opening presents and getting ready for a big feast. The festive jolly feeling that fills you within..

Now its another season i dread. The ‘excitement’ you get on christmas eve, has become anxiety, the staying up late became crying all night, the being good makes no difference. Barely any presents under the tree, Some family members have gone and you have a hole in your heart that gets bigger every day. The dread of opening presents and feeling like you don’t deserve it. The loss of pleasure because you know you won’t get what you want. The stress and anxiety of the food. Its the main thing i’m already freaking out about.

Christmas day you all get dressed up, for some its easy, for me, its hell. I change outfits at least 4 times on a regular day, imagine how many i would change on christmas day. Thing is no matter how many outfits i put on, i still see my flaws, i still feel disgusting. This year, i feel like i’m going to hit breaking point. I know i’ve gained, i know theres more meat on me. I hate it.

It just amazes me how you can go from loving something to dreading it. Happiness and joy to Stress anxiety and floods of tears.

 

The year is almost over, have you achieved as much as you wanted or achieved anything at all? Do you feel joy of doing another year?

No i feel no joy of doing another year, infact i’d tweak the question and change doing to surviving. I’m not living at all. I don’t feel joy, i don’t feel excited for another year. Every day has and is a struggle. Every day, i’ve woken up wishing i hadn’t, everynight i’ve gone to bed hoping i wouldn’t wake up. Is getting up every day an achievement? Is crying myself to sleep instead of hurting myself an achievement?

One thing i’ve spent most of this year concentrating on, was my Eating disorder and self harm. I’ve eaten regular meals more days this year than i had last year. This year i’ve stayed stable for the longest time. I even got discharged. Is that an achievement? I dont think it is. Not hurting myself makes me feel ashamed of myself. Gaining weight and eating makes me feel ashamed of myself. How can people say i should be proud of myself and say its an achievement?

Why is people losing weight bigger and more rewarded than those trying to gain weight and not starve? Why are people with EDs told the number doesn’t matter, when others, including tv ads and society say it does?

 

christmas

Christmas, the season kids crave and get excited about, its also the season where parents worry about their bank account. Santa gets ready to climb down chimneys. But christmas can be someones worse nightmare.

Christmas is also known as family time, you all get together and receive or give gifts. Theres lots of food, cake, chocolates. Exciting new toys and gadgets. Maybe christmas carols, smiles and laughter.

Did you know theres others who dread christmas. The reminder of those family members who are no longer with us, the members they no longer get on with. The unpleasant feelings when around people. The anxiety of socializing. The fear of the way you look like, fear of eating too much. The jealousy of someone getting better gifts than you, or even worse the horrible feeling when you don’t get given anything you wanted. The older you get, the less you get, the more important family time becomes.

Look around, do you notice or are you the one faking all the joy? The one who is smiling but has fear in their eyes? The one who cried all night and woke up feeling lifeless? The person who’s dreaded and had anxiety attacks months before christmas?

When did christmas become such a nightmare? When will it be a good season again?