Returning soon

Hello those who see this, / to myself. So I haven’t posted for a while and rarely do, but I will be making a return soon with many fun posts. I just wanted to say that since Christmas I haven’t felt myself, I’ve had many bad days, but there is and has been one thing that keeps me going, and that is ‘love’. My fiancé is that, he shows me all sorts of love, and loves me like no one else ever has. The things he does, the simple smile he has, the guilty laughter when he does something naughty. It warms my heart, if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be here. if it wasn’t for him, his family and my family I wouldn’t of chosen recovery. if it wasn’t for them all I would be dead.

Recovery isn’t a time limited process, it takes as long as it feels best to become recovered. Yes I’m still at a stable weight and eating, but the thoughts and the habits have all kicked in. But something, which I put down to my family, fiancé and love keeps me going. I honestly appreciate all they and he does for me. He’s literally my heroin. The side of me wanting to recover is influenced by the love he shows and gives me. My fiancé, his family and my family are wonderful inspirational people. I hold on for them all.

 

As I said, I will be back soon, i’m seeing my psychiatrist soon, and I will be honest with him, I don’t know when I’ll feel alright again, but having everyones support is bigger than relapsing.

optional

When someone, i.e an elderly person or just a person with an illness or anything that is causing them constant pain, then they say ‘we should let them go so they can be at rest’..

Well thats how depression and suicide combine, the horrible sadness, your emotions and mentality get so mixed up, its a neverending pain. Suicide is a way where you feel, its the only way to stop it all.

So yes, suicide is an option and is one people strongly advise not to, but when you have so many emotions mixed with others, exhausted of all the thoughts and sadness, its the brains/ depression way of making it not hurt anymore.

 

Deadly beauty

She’s just a girl, who doesn’t know she’s already beautiful.
One year ago, if you had seen her you would never know
This would be her only out, for every time she’s broken down, and hates herself,
For everything that’s wrong in life, looks in the mirror to criticized, she’d rather be beautiful than alive

Nineteen, one shrink, two times a week, but nothings changing.
Mom cries at night-for her life, cause she knows she’s fading.
She’s tried to turn around, but she’s too far in the wrong direction
Wasn’t suppose to be this way, all she wanted was some affection

Twenty three,
Now she’s buried
Underneath red roses.
I’m gonna miss her
And I hope someone learns from this
Maybe she’s happy now
Maybe she’s finally free
Of not feeling good enough,
And maybe she’s rid of her disease.

She’s just a girl, who didn’t feel like she was beautiful
Seven years ago, if you had seen her you would never know.
This would be her only out, for every time she’s broken down, and hates herself,
For everything that’s wrong in life, looks in the mirror to criticized, she’d rather be beautiful than be alive

xx

end of 2015

So in 2015, my main achievement was being stable for a year (continuing to eat and my weight being stable). But that doesn’t mean im magically better? Why does everyone think it does?

Christmas wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but it didn’t end well. Me and my brother got on better than we have in years. I spent the day and lunch with my parents, brother and grandma. When my granddad passed, Christmas was with all of the family cousins etc, so this year was different as it was just us. I ate all my food, I continued with the day. Boxing day I spent with my other family. But then I emotionally went downhill, my physical appearance doesn’t show that, my fake smile is believed by all. I’ve cried every night, I feel so sad. I feel huge. And I don’t think anyone realises im not okay. I’m really not okay.