Trapped

Have you ever felt so trapped, you just feel like you have no choice but to do anything but what you want to?

A year and a bit ago I was in such a bad place, but I started having help, I had weekly appointments at an ED Clinic, my doctor was always on call and saw me immediately when I needed. I had a psychotherapist who I trusted and could confide in confidently. I was getting somewhere and genuinely felt okay. But now, as usual, its all gone. I was discharged from the ED Clinic in November and then my psychotherapist, after a talk with my parents pushed a discharge with the help of my mothers voice. Now I feel like I have no one. I feel like an idiot for opening up and letting someone help me. Every fucking time, they give up on me. Or I mess up. Now I feel like, i’m trapped with my thoughts bottled up and feel like I have no way out but to either commit suicide or give up and do anything but help myself. I was thinking about a future, whether or not it was just me saying it, or it was really what I dreamed of, I don’t know. But now that has been ripped to shreds. What do I do? Every time, Its always ‘four steps forward, but six steps back. Yes i’m scared, every day I wake up, i’m scared its the wrong choice and that I should be dead. Yes I eat, but right now, I hate everything about myself and I eat to try and make the bad side of me stronger. I feel like the side that appeared and became stronger, with the help i was getting was just used? And that there was no point. I didn’t want help, I just wanted to die. And now I hate that side of me and want it to go away. I want the feeling of control back.  I want the feeling of an empty stomach. And I don’t know why i’m letting myself live.

 

All that happens, is another day given to a worthless humanbeing instead of someone who needs it and deserves it, i.e a cancer patient, anyone but me. I don’t know what to do, i cant speak because i can’t find the right words or words to explain whats wrong. I can’t stop myself from eating because that side of me is weak. I feel trapped and like everyone has knocked down my walls and then left me with open wounds to die

MARCH 2016

YOUNIQUE MARCH 2016 XXXX-NEW PRODUCTS-XXXX

I love you Grandad

Its almost been four years since the day you left, nothings been the same. Our hearts still ache to see you one last time. The day we were born our bond was created and to be never broken. Who knew you were the bestfriend we’d always have and can never replace. Grandad, you always had faith in me, you always knew how to make days out fun, you’d always keep a stash of sweets for us grandkids. O remember when we stayed over for a few days whilst mum and dad were away. You were only at the start of your illness. Dolly was with us, you let us put her in the boot and let her prowl around the car and look out the window at other passerbys. You would put us on your lap, and sing silly songs with us. You always knew how to put a smile on our faces. As time flew by, you became iller, but there was still a spark in our hearts. You became repetitive, but not once did it annoy me. I loved listening to your stories and memories. The smile that creeped onto your face as you told them. The proud voice of yours, the voice we all miss terribly. Even when you’re gone, my heart still beats for you. I’d do anything to hear another story of yours again. I’d do anything to see you and make you smile. You always had faith in me, you always knew how to cheer us up, you always knew the right words to say. You celebrated our birthdays, christmas, every special occasion. Now its hard, because you were the star of the show, now its quiet, and has no special feeling. I miss you more and more everyday. I hope you know, that I love you, and for you, i’m trying my damn best to prove to you i’m worth having faith in. The day you left was the worst day of my life, that day I lost part of me, it’ll be a hole i’d never want to replace. I wish you were here, to see me, and tell me a good story or the right words. I couldn’t have asked for a better grandad, a better bestfriend, a better guardian angel. You were and still are perfect and biggest greatest influence on my life ever. I hope i see you again soon, i hope if you’re out there, that you’re not ashamed of me and still are proud of me. I’m proud of you, i’m strong for you. Thankyou for being you and loving us all no matter what