A girl like me, young, ginger and sure as hell unique. The day i was born i’d never have predicted the way my life turns out. Unknown to me that one day i’d meet my prince charming, who would walk by and change my life. School, drama, tennis and guides, all the opportunites you’d choose to get involved in, meeting new people, learning all sorts. Along the way you make new friends and lose friends its the way life works. I’ve had days where i’d be so fed up with the way life is, and the people i’d lose and the activites i’d give up. The main things you learn in life is that you’ve got to be yourself and be careful of who you trust and cut out. i’m the sort of person who would do anything for those i love, and just wants to make everyone happy. I didn’t think a day would come where my life would become a happier place, and i’d find my romeo. That day came at the start of October in 2009, just a usual day out, disobeying my parents orders, going into town with my bestfriend and meeting up with boys. Ah boys, aliens, you never know whats going to happen, and you have your dads voice shouting at you telling you he’ll kill him! Many boys, you’re at that age where you’d want a boyfriend to be cool. But there was this one guy, who stood out. I’d never met him before, ‘strangers’, the main attraction that you should avoid. But this feeling i had when i saw him, wasn’t a teenage ‘i want a boyfriend’ phase. It was an unfamiliar feeling, one i’d never had before. But being me i didn’t think much of the feeling, i was ginger, had braces, was unpopular and never had boys fighting over me. Late october, there was a day which now is an important day, i once again rebelled, and went to poole with my bestfriend, her creepy boyfriend and the guy i’d met and had the unfamiliar feeling. But this feeling hadnt gone away and only came about when i saw him. So this day was the day he asked me out. I was shy and shocked that a boy wanted to go out with me. Of course i didn’t think it’d last or become serious, nor did i think 6 years on.. i’d still be with this guy. As time went by i fell in love with him. He was perfect in every way, Gorgeous eyes, fantastic eyelashes, kind, sweet, supportive, funny. He became my Romeo, My boyfriend, My hero, My bestfriend, My everything. To this day, 6 years on, every single day, my love for him grows. I’d never knew, i would meet a guy who would become my partner in crime, my boyfriend, my bestfriend but also my Fiancé. Sure we’ve gone through bad times, times where we’ve almost cracked, but we fought for eachother, fought together, i never thought i’d find someone who would not only fight for me, but help me fight for something. Theres never not been a time, where he hasn’t been by my side since we commited to eachother. He’s always motivated me and has always had faith in me. He reminds me of my Grandad, Of course he’ll never be or replace him, but he’s my other half and i’ve always wanted a man who was like my Grandad. As i said we’ve had ours downs, but we’ve had more ups; Laughing till our tummys hurt, teasing eachother but knowing we love eachother more than ever, the cuddles, the comfort i feel when i’m in his arms, its my the safest place i could ever be lucky to have. Walks around the heath or asda. Choosing snacks and playing with the toys in asda. Meeting up with eachothers friends, Facing our fears together, attending family meals and using eachothers strength to get through the weirdness.
Theres also the importance of meeting the others halfs families, and the extras! I never thought i’d get on with someone elses family when i struggle to get on with my own family. Fighting another fear of mine, i am so damn glad i let myself meet his family. They welcomed me in and now i literally feel at home, i adore his parents, i adore his sister, she’s literally straight up a sister to me, not a in-law, and actual little sister. My second family, i’d never want to lose, a family i’d love to be part of. It makes me sad that my parents dislike him, because hes not bad, doesn’t have a bad bone in his body. He makes me happy, seeing him everyday is my favourite part of the day, sleeping in his arms is my favourite thing to do too. He’s made mistakes yes, but we all make mistakes? I’ve made so many i’ve lost count and live with the guilt. Hes not once hurt me, the only person whos hurt me is the person who gave birth to me. He saved me, he is the reason i’m still breathing. He is the reason i get out of bed. He doesn’t deserve to be hated nor did he give a reason for them to dislike him.
So 6 years with the greatest person in the world. I love that hes not only my boyfriend/ fiancé, but also my bestfriend, my soulmate, my guardian angel, my hero and the person who no matter how bad it got, never walked away. I love Anthony, so much, and i can’t wait to get married, have kids, become grandparents, and just spend the rest of my life with him. i’m nothing without him, but with him i’m a girl who has so many struggles, but is strong enough to fight with him by my side. i can’t and don’t want to ever imagine or be without Anthony.
He’s done so much for me and i’m forever greatful. He’s a true inspiration, and is always motivating me and keeping me off the traintracks. He’s stood by my side and is the bestest miracle i’ve ever had the pleasure of receiiving. He’s held me when i’ve been at my lowest, and been the reason or there when i’m at my highest. I am so proud of him and to be with him. I’m exxcited for our future, and i’m so happy that i met him, and let myself fall in love with him. I Love You Anthony Christopher Dale, with all my heart, soul and everything I am. Thankyou for everything, you’re a true diamond i’ll always cherish and never let go x
Grandparents are the greatest gifts, theres never not a sound of laughter in their presence. They’re the ones who bring wisdom and comfort. Walks by the beach, home made crumbles and delicious roasts. Upset, had a little fight with your parents, no need to worry Granddads lap is the safest place to be. Story, after story, you never get tired of listening. They grow older, maybe get a bit forgetful and losing their spark. You’ve grown up with these wonderful people always by your side, having faith in you and always putting a smile on your face. They’re the guardian angels you’ll ever want and need. The day they leave, you’ll lose a part of you that cannot ever be replaced. But you know, they’re forever in your heart as you are in theirs. Grandparents forever walk by your side, watching over you, protecting you and guiding you always. They have the biggest hearts of Gold, and are forever our heroes.
Sometimes I wish I never opened up, I wish I kept all the secrets to myself.. Only focused on everyone else like I do now. Would’ve that made me a better person? An unforgettable friend?
Well, one thing I know, is that focusing on everyone else, doing anything to help, being there for them.. I’m still easy to forget or stop talking to.
I feel so tired, mentally mainly. I’m not tired, as in sleepy tired. I’m tired as in i’m struggling to survive, and tired of trying. Tired of waking up. I’m tired of myself. I find reasons to keep going, I have reasons, but I have more reasons to give up and end it all.
Maybe I shouldn’t be writing this, especially when a family member may see it, but I wouldn’t expect them to be upset, i’d more expect them to be angry at me for writing this on the internet where all sorts of people can see.
I’m a difficult person to handle, I know that. Just what makes me sad is the people who I’ve made friends with and felt I had a strong friendship with, slipped away. Don’t get me wrong, they’ve grown up and are building their lifes, and I’m proud of their successes. But why do they slip away and forget about you just like that?
I feel like i’m worthless, the friend who can be replaced easily, who is someone that people can easily forget. I tried so hard, I never wanted to grow up being that worthless. I know i’m messed up, I know I’ve not done so well at school and developing my future. But I’ve and never will just forget them. I’d never give up on them, like they have with me.
What did I do wrong? I know ive made so many mistakes, and still do.. But everyone makes mistakes, everyone has a story. Either way i’d stick by them. Am I really that bad of a person?
If i’m that worthless, whats the point in my life?
I have so much going through my head a million miles per hour constantly.. I’m losing my mind. I don’t know how I’ve kept going, I’ve been like this for years. Battling the good and the bad thoughts. Battling myself and the mirror every day. I get up, have a shower, dry my hair, put an outfit on and do my make up. But now I’m getting tired of getting up. I see all my flaws and repulse myself every time I look at myself in the mirror.
When I say i’m fat and ugly, i’m being genuine. I hate my looks, I hate what i see, i hate myself, i hate everything about me. i’m on the verge of a cliff, I have more reasons to step off than walk back and continuing this life of mine. i’m not okay, nothings okay. Maybe i’m being pathetic or disrespectful. People think i’m so lucky to have a Fiancé, yes I am, but thing is i’m not lucky because I don’t deserve him and he can do so much better. I don’t understand why he wants to be with me. Maybe I should, but I cant help but not believe him, I don’t believe nice comments..
For your information, I do Love Anthony with all my damn heart, that’s why my hearts still beating. But i’m worthless, I can be horrible to him, I go through so many emotions and different personalities every damn day. I do things I would die if he ever felt so bad he did it too. Hes the only person I trust, the only person who has seen and heard things about me when im at my worst.. yet he’s never walked away. But of course, as many have, I still fear the day he walks away from me. I wouldn’t blame him, id do anything for him to stay, but he deserves a lot better.
He talks to me about the future.. he tells me he has no future that’s not without me. But me, I can’t see or feel a future at all. Maybe its because from a young age I’ve felt I wouldn’t live a long life and that id die young. It wasn’t just a thought though, I’ve attempted, I’ve constantly fought myself when standing at the edge of the cliff. So incase you didn’t notice, yes im messed up.. and even when im with and have the love and support of an amazing guy, I still think about committing, and still have attempted when being with him. Im a bad person you know? All I ever want to do is make everyone happy and id do anything for anyone. if it helps, that’s all I want for everyone I love to never get to the point im at. Maybe its starting to become see through and people want me to be happy, but how? I don’t deserve happiness, I don’t deserve to be loved, or to live. Is that stupid? But I genuinely cant help but feel this way :'(.
Tell me, why is it that all I seem to see, whether its family, friends or celebrity’s wanting to lose weight? What about those who are unwell and needing to gain weight? Both should be praised if i’m honest. I find it greatly annoying when I see someone earning millions from a simple ‘lose weight’ dvd, or exercise regime books. Where’s the books and dvd’s for people who need to gain weight, get muscle back? Where’s the books for people to see and read to believe they are who they are, and they are beautiful being themselves? Why do we get told that numbers don’t matter, yet people make a big fuss about their weight? If numbers don’t matter to us, why does it matter to others? It’s all wrong. Yes I agree, people become skin and bones and need to gain a healthy weight to live. But why is it when someone’s already a healthy weight, they feel the need to want or be skin and bones? You should just be yourself? Personality is more important than looks.
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