Have you ever felt so trapped, you just feel like you have no choice but to do anything but what you want to?

A year and a bit ago I was in such a bad place, but I started having help, I had weekly appointments at an ED Clinic, my doctor was always on call and saw me immediately when I needed. I had a psychotherapist who I trusted and could confide in confidently. I was getting somewhere and genuinely felt okay. But now, as usual, its all gone. I was discharged from the ED Clinic in November and then my psychotherapist, after a talk with my parents pushed a discharge with the help of my mothers voice. Now I feel like I have no one. I feel like an idiot for opening up and letting someone help me. Every fucking time, they give up on me. Or I mess up. Now I feel like, i’m trapped with my thoughts bottled up and feel like I have no way out but to either commit suicide or give up and do anything but help myself. I was thinking about a future, whether or not it was just me saying it, or it was really what I dreamed of, I don’t know. But now that has been ripped to shreds. What do I do? Every time, Its always ‘four steps forward, but six steps back. Yes i’m scared, every day I wake up, i’m scared its the wrong choice and that I should be dead. Yes I eat, but right now, I hate everything about myself and I eat to try and make the bad side of me stronger. I feel like the side that appeared and became stronger, with the help i was getting was just used? And that there was no point. I didn’t want help, I just wanted to die. And now I hate that side of me and want it to go away. I want the feeling of control back.  I want the feeling of an empty stomach. And I don’t know why i’m letting myself live.

 

All that happens, is another day given to a worthless humanbeing instead of someone who needs it and deserves it, i.e a cancer patient, anyone but me. I don’t know what to do, i cant speak because i can’t find the right words or words to explain whats wrong. I can’t stop myself from eating because that side of me is weak. I feel trapped and like everyone has knocked down my walls and then left me with open wounds to die